Carole and I argue, sometimes they’re real humdingers too. As we’ve been reflecting on what’s helped us survive and thrive nigh on twenty years of marriage (big day next week), we agree that the arguments are a key part of what makes our love strong, so long as we operate on a basis of open respectful disagreement. Over the years I’ve met couples who are proud of the fact that ‘we never argue’, and I can’t recall a single one who has said that to me and stayed together….go figure.
My experiences of workplaces are shot through with this argument dilemma too. In work you often see frustrations brushed under the carpet, and snide remarks behind other people’s backs. People are great at avoiding conflict, and I think it’s hugely damaging to us.
It’s not OK to disagree, it’s essential. And it’s how you do it that matters. So the next time you disagree, take a deep breath and do it face to face.
Open Respectful Disagreement – it works, trust me 😉
Hate to mention Jim Collins again but he is in agreement. He talks about the concept of “disagree and commit” in the Good to Great book. He too sees it as essential to disagree, and sometimes vehemently too. But in the end all parties should rally around and support the agreed upon strategy.
In many cases as you rightly identify, frustrations are “brushed under the carpet” and opinions are not heard. Consequently the chances of those people committing and supporting the strategy are really low, and the chances of those same people doing stuff to scupper the strategy are increased.
I don’t hate that you mentioned him Gareth – in fact I’m glad you did. Adds a little more weight to the argument, arf arf 😉
One thing I’ve found fascinating with conflict resolution and communication is to have an understanding that when you start the conversation make sure you start it with the things you are both in accordance with. Or the positive qualities of the other person, if it’s personal gripes that are up for debate.
It helps to see the problem areas within the context of the WHOLE relationship or experience rather than falling into the trap of only focussing on the negative, which can lead to a very different mindstate.
Thank you bikehound, that’s some really helpful feedback.
When I was doing a lot of conflict resolution work, I mediated a couple of very senior executives, who had not spoken for some years, except through “their people” and had riven the firm.
Patient listening to each of them separately revealed that their personal distrust and conflict had all started from one major disagreement and that in fact they had not really even fundamentally disagreed. In their fear and anxiety about the outcome, they had not really heard the other person after they’d heard them say something that sounded different.
“Things fall apart…” when people stop listening. “The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of a passionate intensity” does not just refer to different people, but different parts of us.
I have found generally that in most interpersonal disputes the people do not really disagree nearly as much as the feel they do; it is mistaken disagreement. Ironically, Most of the rest arise from mistaken agreements, when people thought they had agreed, when they had not – and so felt let down when the (non)agreement was not fulfilled, or had really agreed, before discovering the real cost and then trie to withdraw without due explanation or justification.
A recent study of some 3000 couples found that all (every single one) interpersonal conflicts arose either from someone thinking the other was trying to control them or was ignoring them.
We are a delightfully funny frustrating species.
Beg pardon 😉 Thanks Jonathan – a very useful contribution.