Open Respectful Disagreement

Carole and I argue, sometimes they’re real humdingers too. As we’ve been reflecting on what’s helped us survive and thrive nigh on twenty years of marriage (big day next week), we agree that the arguments are a key part of what makes our love strong, so long as we operate on a basis of open respectful disagreement. Over the years I’ve met couples who are proud of the fact that ‘we never argue’, and I can’t recall a single one who has said that to me and stayed together….go figure.

My experiences of workplaces are shot through with this argument dilemma too. In work you often see frustrations brushed under the carpet, and snide remarks behind other people’s backs. People are great at avoiding conflict, and I think it’s hugely damaging to us.

It’s not OK to disagree, it’s essential. And it’s how you do it that matters. So the next time you disagree, take a deep breath and do it face to face.

Open Respectful Disagreement – it works, trust me 😉

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Spaces in Your Togetherness

Carole and I will have been married for twenty years come July 18th 2012. Having got this close to the milestone we threw caution to the wind and celebrated a little early, this weekend just past.

We are fortunate to know many lovely people and a lot of them joined us in our celebration. The rain stayed away pretty much all day, which is increasingly a rarity in this year’s British Summer, Marks and Spencer came up trumps with the buffet, and I’m pretty sure everyone had a good time. Put it this way, no one has written me a song to complain about it…yet.

I can recall a few snippets of conversation from the party and I’ll use some of these as sparks for blog posts in the coming few days. The first was provided to me by Andy Foulds. Andy was telling me about a reading he’d heard at an event which included a quote from Khalil Gibran. In particular Andy recounted the line ‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness’ (you can read the full piece here), and we talked a little about the quote in the context of personal relationships. Spaces in your togetherness aren’t the only thing that make a relationship interesting and useful, indeed if the spaces become too big, there may well be no relationship left. But they help, a lot. And they’re just as useful in a work context.

When I worked in BT, I satisfied the need for spaces in the togetherness by sitting and working with different teams. Observing different methods, picking up new ideas, shaking off dull old ones. And now my work takes me all over the place, to different locations and with different people, I enjoy the vitality that comes from those spaces almost without thinking about it. And yet there are times when I need the togetherness too. That’s why I feel fortunate to have worked with a number of associates this year, their critical feedback is something you don’t always get from a client.

I hope you can find some space in your togetherness this week.

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