Tag: song

Crap Engagement – a song about work

This is a version of Crap Engagement, first performed live last week at the ConnectingHR unconference. Lyrics by Neil Usher, arranged and performed by Doug Shaw. Original music by Paul Weller. Hope you like it. The photo above was taken by Callum Saunders at the May ConnectingHR Unconference, thanks Callum.

Wrong kind of leaves and I’m two hours late
The interviewer thinks I’m the next candidate
He ends in tears, got personal issues
I get the job because I’m carrying tissues
That’s crap recruitment, that’s crap recruitment……

First day and they forget I’m arriving
It’s like a juggernaut with no-one driving
A mass walkout ‘cause the boss is a nazi
I get promoted ‘cause I was in the khasi
That’s crap engagement, that’s crap engagement…..

Log on by eleven but they block social media
They think Twitter’s just for Justin Bieber
Cant get a smartphone or a tablet PC
They say they’re part of the liberal conspiracy….
That’s crap equipment, that’s crap equipment,….

Their take on modern flexible culture
Is circling over your head like a vulture
They tried mobility but that was a failure
Half the staff went to work in Australia
That’s crap enslavement, that’s crap enslavement…..

Waking up from bad dreams in foetal position
Ignore the whispers and stares of suspicion
I get an e-mail saying I’ve failed probation
Here’s a box to pack your humiliation
That’s crap termination, that’s crap termination…..

Two worlds passing like ships at midnight
Concluded I’ve been missing the solitude
I’ll keep trying till I find what’s right (for me)
And in the meantime make Jam and write poetry….
Crap entertainment, crap entertainment….

Human Resource – a song about work

I finally got round to making a recording of the musical collaboration between Neil Usher and myself. It’s taken me to wonderfully unexpected places. This song has been played live at ConnectingHR and Workplace Trends, and formed a part of the 2011 Never Records exhibition. It’s been played in clubs, pubs and even somewhere in a field in Hampshire. I’m hugely grateful to Neil for his fine lyrics and I hope you like the song.

So welcome to careers advice
By Crystal, Balls and Whistles
For us, ten minutes’ sacrifice
For you, a bed of thistles
Blessed as we are, with retrospect
We may just steer you rightly
We’re not quite sure what you expect
But suggest you curse politely
Contractually from what we say
There’s no redress or recourse –
You’re on your own and on your way
Now you’re a human resource;

You’ve come prepared I do regret
With your qualifications
You may as well have stacked a debt
On hedonist vacations
There’s nothing at university
You can’t find in the cloud
Your i-Pad is a library
And talking loud- well, is allowed
And I see you’ve got a suit and tie on
A stuffed shirt without remorse –
Get your jeans, forget the iron
Now you’re a human resource;

Its great you have a CV
But that’s for oldschool peasants
We’ve abandoned linearity
Now its online presence
Its from here to ubiquity
With LinkedIn, Tweets and blogging
Push a 3D identity
and avoid the dead-horse flogging
You may be digital native
But you’re really rather coarse –
You’ve got to get creative
To be a human resource;

So – you want flexibility
And a chance to work abroad
Pure sustainability
And merit-based reward
Space for concentration
And interactive tools
Online collaboration
And exemption from the rules?
There must be some confusion
You’re a million miles off course –
A super-sized delusion
For a human – bloody! – resource

But I see you’ve got a start-up
And are followed by a legion
And organise a Tweetup
That’s legend in the region
You fart and its Retweeted
You cough to find it trending
And every thought completed
Is another patent pending
I feel the truth approaching
We’d better close this discourse –
‘cause I’m the one needs coaching
Now you’re a human resource….

Waltzing Matilda – A Song for Rupert Murdoch

A few days ago whilst I was away cycling in the Peak District Rick tweeted and pointed me in the direction of the excellent Democracy Fail blog, and in particular he referenced a song they’d written on the blog around the time of Rupert Murdoch’s 80th birthday. Rick suggested I might try and sing it, the good people at Democracy Fail agreed so the scene was set. As we all know the News International saga took another turn today so I’ve recorded the song and taken the liberty of adding a new verse, just to keep things fresh. Hope you like it.

I’m an Aussie rag man with a global media empire,
Pommies cannot move for my papers and TV.
Strewth I always get my way with the PM of the day,
An exchange of favours beats democracy.

I’ll keep you in office, if you boost my profits,
The fairest dinkum deal you are likely to see.
Strewth I always get my way with the PM of the day,
An exchange of favours beats democracy.

Whatever side they represent, most MPs are heaven sent,
Their re-election prospects are assisted by me.
Politicians watch your backs, Rebekah’s had your mobiles hacked.
Just stand aside while I take BSkyB.

I’ll keep you in office, if you boost my profits,
The fairest dinkum deal you are likely to see.
Politicians watch your backs, Rebekah’s had your mobiles hacked
Just stand aside while I take BSkyB.

Though 80 now and getting on, I’ve sorted it with Cameron,
Shoring up Great Britain for the Murdoch dynasty.
Our family corporation plans to eat your Pommy nation and
You’ll soon see James is no pussycat like me.

I’ll keep you in office, if you boost my profits,
The fairest dinkum deal you are likely to see.
Our family corporation plans to eat your Pommy nation and
You’ll soon see James is no pussycat like me.

Now the hacking things gone off the scale, I’m feeling sick, feeling pale
I’ll try and blame everybody else but me
I’ve had to pull the TV bid because of what Rebekah did
Maybe I’ll have to try and buy the goddam BBC

I’ll keep you in office, if you boost my profits
The fairest dinkum deal you are likely to see
I’ve had to pull the TV bid because of what Rebekah did
Maybe I’ll have to try and buy the goddam BBC