Goodbye

Friday was tough. That’s the way funerals are supposed to be I guess. We talk about celebrating a life and when it comes down to it, saying goodbye hurts. Badly.

I wrote a tribute to Dad and with gentle encouragement I decided to read it out to the 140 people who turned out to say goodbye with us. Toughest. Gig. Ever. I was fortunate. John Williams, the man who conducted the formalities, was my first reserve. It helps to know someone’s got your back in a tight corner.

Keira wrote a lovely note to her Grandpa and read it out to everyone. I think it’s a shame more kids don’t go to funerals, they are an important moment and as John Williams said to us, ‘do whatever you feel you want, and be mindful you can’t come back and try again next week’. Kids rock – well done Keira.

Keira's Letter to Grandpa

Writing about Dad dying has been very helpful for me. I wouldn’t say it’s eased any sadness, rather it’s given it some direction. And a good friend suggested to me that continuing to write letters to the dead can be a useful way of moving on. We’ll see.

Thanks everyone for being so respectful and supportive, and goodbye Dad.

 

A story of love and loss

Yesterday I found Keira playing a game of Ludo. Her competitors were two of her teddy bears, Chapman and Chapman (not a typo, more of that another day – maybe). Keira’s always wanted a brother or sister to play with and as I watched this quite happy scene my mind rocketed to a wonderfully moving post by one of the best, funniest, most moving writers it has been my pleasure to read and meet, northernmum.

In this particular post northernmum writes about miscarriage. My wife Carole has had three, and so sadly Keira will remain an only child. As a Dad I’ll never know the pain of loss which Carole has had to endure three times, I can only be there for her. And as a child of three I’ll never know how Keira really feels about having to play Ludo with her teddy bears, I can only step in and make up the numbers sometimes.

Like all of us I sometimes feel I’m racing towards death. And because of this I try and have as much useful fun as I can along the way. My observation of Keira this weekend just gone was a powerful reminder to me, and she, Carole and I have had a wonderful weekend doing, well not very much. But it’s been great fun.

Time stand still
I’m not looking back
But I want to look around me now
Time stand still
See more of the people and the places that surround me now

Summer’s going fast, nights growing colder
Children growing up, old friends growing older
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger

Carole and I have been married 19 years today, I don’t know how she puts up with me and I’m glad she does. Happy anniversary darling.